the saga of the sugar bowl
by strawberry snicket
Summary: oneshot :: in which the sugar bowl is stolen - a lot.


**the saga of the sugar bowl**

 _a/n: not meant to be taken seriously at all. starts before the first book and ends around the time of chapter fourteen._

It all started when tea parties became in.

Jerome Squalor really didn't want to have a tea party, and when Esme suggested it, he said, "I really don't want to have a tea party." But he didn't want to argue, and eventually gave in.

At first, the tea party proceeded as normal tea parties do, with tea, small pastries, and conversation. But then Esme caught Beatrice sneaking the sugar bowl into her purse.

"Give me back my sugar bowl!" she insisted, like anyone whose sugar bowl had just been stolen.

"I don't think I will," said Beatrice. Before Esme could stop her, she had already left.

Beatrice took the sugar bowl home and stored it in an inconspicuous location. But one day, when she was off in another area of her house, Lemony was examining it and accidentally dropped it onto the floor, where it shattered into more pieces than he cared to count. He didn't want to admit that he'd broken the sugar bowl, so he gathered up the pieces and took them away.

After he glued the sugar bowl back together and replaced its contents, Lemony realized that it was a very ugly color. He decided to take the sugar bowl to be painted a more pleasing shade. On his way there, it was stolen by a disguised - a word which here means "Count Olaf" - man. Lemony yelled, "Count Olaf has the sugar bowl! Someone stop him!" Unfortunately, no one else knew what that meant, and allowed him to get away.

Having nothing better to do, Count Olaf decided to explain the sugar bowl to his theater troupe, hoping it might make them a bit more productive. "In hopes that this might make you a bit more productive, I have decided to show you this," he told them.

When it came to her, the first white-faced woman tried to open it. The count slapped her hand away. "No opening that. The only one allowed to open it is me. Is that clear?"

It was clear, but Olaf didn't believe her and told her to give it to Fernald.

Fernald, in part because he had hooks instead of hands, was having a hard time holding the sugar bowl instead of puncturing it. Eventually, it slipped and was impaled on his hooks.

Olaf was not amused and made him fix it. Fernald taped it back together.

That night, Jacques Snicket, who was disguised as Count Olaf, broke in. The real count was sleeping, so he didn't care. Jacques stole the newly-taped sugar bowl from where Olaf had left it. He sent it back to Lemony along with a few cans of parsley soda, so that any enemies who intercepted it would think it was a shipment of in drinks.

By the time Lemony received the sugar bowl again, which was about three weeks later due to it being lost in the mail, Beatrice had perished in a terrible fire. "That's terrible," he said when he heard the news. Lemony was considering keeping the sugar bowl, but he changed his mind after a suspicious knock at the door. Even when it was revealed to be a door-to-door salesman, he wasn't convinced, and sent it to Mr. Poe with a note telling him to give it to the Baudelaires when Violet came of age.

Mr. Poe didn't want to risk losing the sugar bowl, or worse, coughing on it, so he put it up in his house as a decoration. It wasn't particularly interesting, so he forgot about it until a reporter named Geraldine Julienne came to his house requesting an interview. She seemed particularly interested in the home decorations of bankers, so he directed her to that cabinet.

Geraldine saw it right away. "A glued and taped sugar bowl! Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!" She snapped a picture of the item and promised Mr. Poe it would be in the next Daily Punctilio.

A masked figure came into Mr. Poe's house a few days later and took the sugar bowl. No one ever figured out who it was.

Eventually, the masked figure gave the sugar bowl to Frank Denouement. Frank wound up getting the sugar bowl mixed up with the one he had planned to give to Ernest for his birthday, which was unfortunate. "That was unfortunate," Frank said when he realized his mistake.

When he received it, Ernest had been drinking a bit and muttered, "Oh. It's a sugar bowl." rather than "It's _the_ sugar bowl!" He didn't know what he would do with a sugar bowl or why Frank would send it to him. So he gave it to an adorable little girl who passed him.

"I am not an adorable little girl!" Carmelita Spats insisted. "I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!"

"What's the difference?" asked Ernest.

Carmelita decided that was a question a cakesniffer would ask and didn't respond.

After the thrill of obtaining it wore off, Carmelita decided the sugar bowl was a cakesniffing gift. "This is a cakesniffing gift!" she announced to whoever happened to be listening. She was looking for a place to dispose of it when she was seen.

"That adorable little girl has the sugar bowl!" someone cried.

Carmelita opened her mouth to inform whoever had spoken that she was _not_ an adorable little girl when someone tried to take it from her. Like anyone in her position, she tried to get as far away from that person as possible. She kept going until she reached the hotel's sunbathing salon and proceeded to throw it from the roof.

No one saw the sugar bowl again until it washed up on the coast of a small island after a treacherous storm. Klaus Baudelaire was looking at the items that had washed up and determining if there was anything they could use when he saw the sugar bowl.

"It's the sugar bowl," said Klaus, looking at the remarkably intact item. There was no lid and whatever had been inside had fallen out a while ago, but it was still the sugar bowl, and Klaus decided to show it to Violet and Sunny.

"It's the sugar bowl," said Violet when Klaus showed it to her. "We have the sugar bowl."

They barely had time to react to that before someone slipped it from Klaus's hand and said, "Not anymore, Baudelaires."

-end-

 _i really don't know what this is or why i wrote it._


End file.
